Weekly Banjo #8: Why Your “Comfort Zone” Makes You Less Successful

Fair Drinker,

Discovery is at the heart of every great story and memorable experience.  Nobody will tell you about their trip to the supermarket to buy ketchup and boneless chicken breasts unless the story also includes the pink-hatted, jock-strapped man with pink assless chaps who decimated the Redbox machine outside because it stole his money and gave him “Love Actually” instead of “Romy & Michelle”.  Discoveries involving the actual depths of lunacy, absurdity, and chaos are always disturbing…

Yes Officer. That's The Guy.

…but discoveries, while risky, can also be rewarding.  If you insist on having “your” beer by “your” brewer at all times, your journey through the beer universe is going to become monotonous–no matter how much you like Mac & Jack’s.

The fewer beers you help yourself to, the less successful a drinker you become.  Certainly, you become specialized, but there’s no true valor in being the world’s foremost authority on traditionally-brewed pilsener.  Having tried some pilseners that break significantly from said tradition, I can report as your emissary that they are quite delicious, if somewhat off the beaten path.  Thus, the following homage.

I present you with a beer that will likely never win a major award (say the brewers), but that I still remember as remarkable three years after my only tasting:

I Want One Of These Next To My Toothbrush.

I won’t tell you exactly why the judges won’t give Georgetown Brewing’s Roger’s Pilsner the nod (mainly because I don’t know if it’s a secret), but the break Roger Bialous & Manny Chao took from tradition has yielded a beer of true iconoclastic greatness.  Those of you lucky enough to live in Seattle MUST FIND and claim this beer in scads.  Take home gallons and drink heartily.

Then, write me a note about the beer discoveries you make.  Just leave your comfort zone and DO IT.  Beer is the world’s greatest drink, and it endures primarily due to its versatility.  Explore that, and the risks you take will become the stories you tell.

Drink Successfully.

The Weekly Question: Charging For Homebrew

The recent haranguing of an Englishman who decided to charge for his work begs the question:  should homebrew should be free or not?

Not the Englishman in question.

Thanksgiving Banjo #7

What the hell did you think I was thankful for?

 

You should be thankful for it, too!

 

Oh, thank you, thank you.

 

 

The Weekly Question: Do You Have What It Takes?

No poll this time, but a challenge for successful drinkers everywhere: are you a true patriot–that is, can you brew George Washington’s own small-stock recipe?

Your recipe (quoted from the man):

To Make Small Beer

Take a large Sifter full of Bran, Hops to your Taste. –Boil these 3 hours then strain out 30 Gallons into a Cooler, put in 3 Gallons Molasses while the Beer is Scalding hot…  let this stand till it is little more than Blood warm then put in a quart of Yeast–if the Weather is very Cold cover it over with a Blanket & let it Work in the cooler 24 hours, then put it into the Cask–leave the Bung open till it is almost done Working–Bottle it that day a Week it was Brewed.

If you refuse this assignment, I will find you.

If you complete this task, submit a video to the Banjo of your completed work, and I’ll see fit you are made a superstar.

Weekly Banjo #6: Where It All Went Wrong, And How Successful Drinkers Can Make It Right Again

If you don’t think mistakes can have long lasting effects, consider the 18th amendment to the constitution, which benched succesful drinkers from 1917 to 1933.

“Well, Banjo, we can drink now, so what the hell is the problem?!”

You and I don’t drink nearly as successfully now as the mustached patrons in saloons did at the turn of the last century. The chief tradition these folks enjoyed was the Free Lunch; offerings ranged from cold cut platters to ornate buffets, either and all available to successful drinkers who had simply bought a beer, which they were going to do in the first place!

After prohibition, a new fad started, with the Free Lunch fading fast from memory, obscured by the panic and fervor of World War Two: the fad was coined, “Happy Hour”, and it stuck like fly paper. Desperate drinkers fawned over the idea of discounted beverages, regardless of their quality, and rank appetizers, usually discounted by a small percentage.

Modern happy hours (now commonly advertised on vinyl billboards) now offer $2 macro-lager cocktails and $3 nachos. Any drinker who has taken the time to take a cursory glance at our history and traditions should be justifiably repulsed.

Some brewers and kitchen masters are quietly bringing the Free Lunch back, and it is incumbent on any self-respecting saloon patron to encourage its return. Sadly, if you do most of your drinking at sports bars, happy hour is likely to stay. If you drink regularly at an establishment that values its drink and patronage, talk to the owner about re-instituting the Free Lunch. We should never have let that tradition die in the first place, and it is now up to us to bring it back.

Pictured: successful drinkers at play.

The Weekly Question: The Macro Masquerade

Lately I’ve seen some curious offerings from the Anheuser-Busch consortium:

 

That's one eyebrow raised...

 

 

That's two eyebrows, and that's a FRUIT.

 

Is this subterfuge?!

 

 

One week hiatus…

The Banjo will be on hiatus this week due to a family emergency.

 

This does not excuse you from drinking as successfully as you can.

Thursday Banjo #5: What Every New Drinker Should Remember

New drinkers generally fall into two categories:

1. 19-year-olds who enjoy Macro-lagers

2. 21-year-olds who have enjoyed macro-lagers since they were 19.

The female variety can be observed in warmer climates thusly:

The Octo-Bong At Sea

While the male variant can usually be found thusly:

Major: Archaeology.

When you begin to blaze your trail away from the macros, keep in mind that beer is at its essence food.  The macros exist as cocktails (which is perfectly fine), but the beers you enjoy as you leave your bong-addressing years will help you toward drinking success by giving you the nourishment you need to grow.

In the meantime, stop trying to be an expert on beer, and stop trying to be cute by liking PBR.

Remember this (as next week’s Banjo will focus on it fully):  There IS such a thing as a free lunch, but you need to make the switch to REAL beer to know how (and where) to find it.

Drink Successfully.

The Weekly Question: Extreme Brews

A weekly investigative series covering the most important things in life.

 

It follows that in an age where the NFL has begun a network arm solely dedicated to broadcasting any football played within the 20-yard-line, some brewers have gone out of their way to excite their works.  Heavily-hopped IPAs, barleywines and angrily-named stouts abound.  So, fair drinker, do you tend toward these extreme beers, or do you take a more subtle approach?

Does this:

 

Yes, these are real.

 

Equal this:

 

Go America.

 

 

 

Thursday Banjo #4: 1554 Black Ale

Dearest Successful Drinker:

 

If you prefer ales other than stouts and porters (and are thusly wayward this fall season), find a bottle of New Belgium’s 1554 Enlightened Black Ale.

It hits the spot, and I have provided you with an instructional video on how to approach your delicious gift.